GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE NOVEMBER 8, 1996

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BIG TIPS

My twin brother says I'm ruining his reputation

by M.T. Martone

I can do just about any job, with the wrong tool. Need that nail whacked in the wall? The bottom of a sturdy soda bottle, if gingerly applied, will do. Unsightly smudge on your wall? Can't beat whiteout.

I'm beginning to think I could dismantle the master's house with the master's tools. The persistent enigma, however, is that no matter how well-appointed my tool chest actually becomes with “real” tools, the task at hand inevitably requires some obscure product that I refuse to go out and look for, because I'll never use it again. I guess it's ultimately no big deal for this renter: The brown crayon I rubbed into the scratches in my hardwood floor last night looks quite grain-like.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm an identical twin, and we're both gay. My brother accuses me of being a slut and ruining his reputation. I say he should shut up and get a date. We usually get along better.

Dear Doublemint Sins,

Twin

You wag: If brevity is indeed the soul of wit, yours is certainly a candidate for the drollest letter I've received all year. Here's my similarly terse reply: Go ahead and slut around. It's your body, not his.

By now, you two must have developed some way of dealing with this situation, and maybe you're really fighting about something else. Perhaps he's a little jealous of your "dates," but don't tell him I said that. Throwing "maybe you're just jealous” in someone's face rarely moves a situation towards resolution. Ask him what he's really mad about, and be ready to talk it out with him.

Of course, if you're going to be a big tart, protect your ass, and your partner's, okay? Bon chance.

Apropos of nothing, may I tell you the best identical twin story I've heard this week, well, ever? A woman I know has a twin who recently moved across the country. They're both dykes, and if not actually butch, pretty sober dressers.

In a fit of laziness and cavalier disregard for the law, the sister who moved asked her twin to go and renew her driver's license for her, so she wouldn't have to apply for one in her new state. Her kind sister took this opportunity to apply high semi-circles of light blue eye shadow and fuschia slashes across her cheeks, tease her hair into a high 'n' mighty do, shove the old cleavage up and out, and pout like the slut she knew her sister would like to represent herself as for the next four years.

I don't know what the retribution for that is going to end up being.

Dear Miss Martone,

My lover of the past year and I are having a clash of styles. You see, she's a girl jock, and I'm far from it. She plays on several lesbian and mixed teams and

spends an hour or two each night working out. I enjoy walking with her and lifting weights on occasion, but I'm just not the type to be Miss Lesbian Fitness. I'd rather spend time reading or going to the movies or, to get to a sore spot, alone with my sweetie pie.

I'm getting kind of resentful that sports takes up so much of her time. In the summer it seems like we barely saw each other between her soccer and softball. I've brought up my frustration with my girlfriend, and she just said that sports are an important part of her life (she was a great college soccer player) and orientation (it's part of how she sees herself as a lesbian).

To be fair, she is very loving and kind, and she shows me a wonderful time when we're together. Also I'd be lying if I said her athleticism doesn't turn me on. She has the best body I've ever seen and our sex is frequent and wonderful. But I'd still like some more personal time together. What do you suggest? I'm starting to feel like a sports widow.

League of Alone

Dear Widow of Opportunity,

I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you two have a lovely relationship. You have a great time together, have good and frequent sex, and apparently love and admire each other. It seems like this particular problem is indicative not just of what you wish you could be doing more in the relationship, but of the differences in your very styles of socializing and recreatin'.

The things you like to do, like reading or going to movies, are easy to do alone, or with one other companion. The things that make girlfriend feel happy and integrated are inherently group activities. It's not just that she's busy all the time and away from you; she's busy with team sports full of other people, and that's probably a big component of her happiness with the physical outlets she chooses.

You can't drive someone away faster than by trying to change something essential about her, and you wouldn't want to soften any square millimeter of her chiseled keister, I'd guess. Talk with her again, let her know you understand how important these activities are to her identity, that you love her the way she is, and that you want to see more of the dreamy person that she is. Then figure out what kinds of times are compatible with her schedule. Maybe nights, since games tend to be during the day.

Perhaps you could do more overnights at one or the other's house for quality morning time. It's easy to say "go to her games," but if you actually like sports, do. You'll meet her friends, and see her shine. Just make sure you keep enough quiet time just for yourself. She probably gets tired from all that running around, and it must be relaxing and a relief for her to be with you. Good luck. ✓

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail Chron Ohio @aol.com.

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